there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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