everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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