just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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