DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
