just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
