About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
