listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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