She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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