Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My vagina is officially offended.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
