kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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