dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
