I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize