Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
