Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I know her cup size but not her name....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
