Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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