But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize