theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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