His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
