I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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