Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
