So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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