I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
