I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize