Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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