Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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