I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
