In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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