just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
