The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
