I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize