Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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