No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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