Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
