Can i not drive my cunt home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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