woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
