Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She's just so happy...and so naked.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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