I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
