god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
