i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
