I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
