Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize