I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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