Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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