I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
two words...techno handjob
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
