wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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