Got a toothbrush?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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