Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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