First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
