All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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