: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I lost the right to judge tonight
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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