you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize