he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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