My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
