I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize