there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
